Tate Trustee...?

Some years ago a fat envelope arrived on my door mat marked DCMS. The contents turned out to be an application form to join a list of worthies who might be considered for positions as trustees of public bodies. With exhilarating thoughts about how the art establishment had finally come to its senses and was now humbly begging me to serve on one of its ruling cabals, I waded through paragraphs on topics such as ?probity in public office?, ?conflicts of interest? and how all appointees were personally approved by the Prime Minister. It turned out that the then director of the National Portrait Gallery had proposed me as possible candidate for a vacancy on their board, and, needless to say, I was flattered by his consideration. I duly completed the application and returned it to the DCMS, and I don?t remember whether it was with disappointment or relief that I was subsequently informed that the position had been awarded to someone else no doubt more suited to the post. End of story, or so I thought. Imagine my surprise, therefore, upon arriving at my studio one day toward the end of 2004 to find a message from someone at ?Tate? soliciting an application to fill a vacancy of artist trustee. With exhilarating thoughts about how the art establishment had finally come to its senses and was now humbly begging me to serve on one of its ruling cabals, I immediately returned the call and requested an application form. It was really only as I sat at my computer and set about filling in the details that the penny dropped. Particularly when it came to the ?work in public collections? part of my cv, which, whilst it does mention a number of public museums and galleries, nowhere does it contain the word ?Tate?, which just about sums up my relationship with the contemporary art establishment. I alluded to this anomaly in the blank space allowed for pitching my case about why I?d be a jolly good trustee etc. whilst expressing my surprise at being approached in the first place. However,It was now plain to me that since the trusteeship of the existing artist from an approved stable (Gillian Wearing) was drawing to a close they better find another one quick, but presumably due process had to be followed and several submissions would need to be invited. Some underling had obviously dusted off my name on the DCMS list from an old filing cabinet and it got chucked in the hat to make up the numbers. Never for a moment, though, if I thought about it, did I feel that my application would be taken seriously, but I filed the application nonetheless, perhaps just to prove a point. In due course a letter from Nicholas Serota arrived which informed me that I ?did not match the criteria for the appointment as well as some of the other applicants?, which I took to mean ?There?s been a bureaucratic error. You?re not actually on the list of approved artists?. I could have told him this at the outset and saved us all the bother. Fiona Rae got the trusteeship, and I was left with a nasty taste in my mouth. Shortly afterwards I removed my name from the DCMS list.